Before long, the seemingly infinite cavern gave way to a series of twisted passages, ancient doorways and glowing moss. Apparently it had been my eyesight that was finite, rather than the cavern being endless. I added this to a mental list of my flaws that I had been compiling. It was the second item on the list, after “#1: cannot be stopped”; something that had got me into trouble on seven prior occasions.
I was startled from my list-compiling by the need to stoop under a low doorframe and into a room that had no place in the otherwise ancient cavern. Clearly furnished by Ikea, it held a modest, affordable, yet distinctly modern vibe that almost took my breath away with the sheer audacity of its juxtaposition. I sat on a swivel chair, next to a clean wooden desk, and regained my wherewithal.
The wizard-king stood before me, grinning. “Isn’t it marvellous? I call it THE SCANDINAVIAN ROOM.” I could tell he was speaking in capitals from the resonance of the vowels. He offered me a plate of meatballs, accompanied with an odd fruit sauce, and some gravlax. “This is not what I wanted to show you, however.”
I ate greedily. Though it had not been at the forefront of my mind, I suddenly realised I was incredibly hungry – perhaps due to the length of time I had spent hover-sleeping in the infinite cavern. The various Swedish delicacies, filtered through mass consumerism, seemed glorious to my underfed tastebuds. I dabbed at my mouth with a napkin that was emblazoned with the flag of Denmark. My eyebrow must have raised quizzically, as the wizard-king launched into a tedious explanation of how he liked everything Swedish APART from the flag, which I won’t repeat here as it genuinely was insufferably dull.
Finally, I was done, and I let the wizard-king lead me from my swivel chair and into the adjoining room. As he opened the door, I found myself shrinking back from an impossible light. As my eyes adjusted, I peered through my lashes into the new room; giant and rounded, it contained only one thing – a colossal old man, flowing beard, chained to the floor and unable to move.
“It’s God, Toby. I’ve finally trapped him.”
God looked up, smiled at me, and spoke. “”, he said. I frowned and looked over at the wizard-king.
“This isn’t God. It’s Wikipedia.”