several conversements: final conversement: auto


from: Ted
to: Toby

Toby, Look at this

[see attached image below]

It is a scene from my autobriography (the extra R there is intentional, copyrighted), Tales From My Bathtub. Would you like a copy, so that you and your lawyers can ensure that you have been successfully defamed?




from: Toby
to: Ted

Yes, I would like a copy. Please ensure the picture is included on every page, even if that means all other text must be removed. It is a fine likeness.

from: Ted
to: Toby

I am sorry but the manuscript has just this very afternoon been destroyed (unexpected high winds in the perplexing chamber). No further correspondence shall be entered into.


Posted in unsent | Comments closed

several conversements: conversement #12: blockages

Conversement #12

from: Ted
to: Vok Nutritional Severices

Dear Vok Nutritional Services,

I have been experienceing severe t o mild abdominal pain at regular frequencies throughout the day. On close and thorough inspection, under both micro-and macro-scopic viewings, it is evident that my intestines have become clogged with a strange, thick, foul looking substance. Is it sausages, do you think?

Ted, A Worrier

from: Vok Nutrition
to: Ted

Mr. A. Worrier,

The only way to be sure is to start eating sausages. If they displace the original contents then it confirms that it was, indeed, sausages. If it doesn’t, return to the rotary chamber.

Toby’s Assistant
(just kidding, it is I, Toby)

from: Ted
to: Nutrivok

Assisted Toby,

Thamk ye. Suasauge it be. gbejhe dhjfhgjbdenneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

from: Ted
to: NuVo


A series of serious seizures seized me, leading to unexplicable poundings upon the keys of my textichord. I am, however, better now.

Thank you

Ted (sausageless)


Posted in Unsausaged | Comments closed

several conversmentes: conversment #11: seasonalsneeze

Conversement #11

from: Terrible Phark
to: Father Toby

Dear Father Vok

I have the following symptoms. Burst of pain above the eye. Watering of nose, running of eyes. Slower than usual turn-of-head speed. Eyes oversensitive to light, colour, shapes. Suggestive perhaps of a “cold” or CHULL. What say you, in your professional capacity as a tender of flesh and soul.

Of course this may all simply be psychosomatic hayfever (I saw a daffodil, two kinds of blossom, a bee, and, despite my isolation, it is possible my immunoresponses activated unneccessarily), in which case your help is neither required nor requested.

Good day

Terrible Phark

from: Fr. Toby
to: Ted (A parishioner)

What percentage slower head turn? That is the key difference between a cold and a CHULL and will determine what treatment should be offered.

a) None (none required)
b) 4hrs, Rotary Chamber
c) 8hrs, Rotary Chamber
d) None (no point)

If the bee follows you into the rotary chamber, proceed to d). Do not pass a).


Posted in Unallergic | Comments closed

several conversements: conversement #10: unopened

Conversement #10

from: Toby
to: Ted



from: Ted
to: Toby

And yet, messages could still enter, and the capaciousness of the box was never breeched. This suggests that the box is formed from a substance permeable by thought but not matter, surrounds an envelope of space of infinite informational density (I have sent many messages, and no doubt have many others, for your fame is quite unholy).

I would say that perhaps you should, now the box is open, begin to fill it with dirt. Eventually, the whole world will be within your box, and may be discarded as you wish.

from: Toby
to: Ted

speaking of boxes, do you ever watch UNBOXING VIDEOS on the YOUTUBE, Ted?


so much technology

so little dirt

from: Ted
to: Toby

I once invented the sport of Unboxing, for an existential novel based around the concept of reversals in all things. I myself was once very good at unfootball, where with the aid of magnets you have to suck ballbearings out of nets.

I do not like this talk of tubes.

Ted Vaaak

from: Toby
to: Ted

But what is a man but a series of tubes? NOTHING a man is NOTHING but a series of tubes

and that is why I have invested heavily in tubes


Posted in Unboxed | Comments closed

several conversements: conversement #9: words

Conversement #9

from: Ted Vaak
to: The Toby Vok Publicational Company

Dear Toby,

I have enclosed a partial manuscript for 1000 Words And How To Use Them, a picture book and educationist instructional tome for the pre-literate market (any age). The full manuscript (100 pages, approximately 100,000 words) is available on request.

I have been writing educational works for many years. Both Counting and Sizes and Letters have become industry standards, having formed the basis for all the subsequent works in the 126 years since initial publication.

Yours sincerely

Ted Vaaaaak

Contact Details:

Ted Vaaaak
The Ted Vaaaaaak Educationalismé

1000 Words And How To Use Them (excerpt)

Page 1: Ghost [A picture of a ghost haunting two children and a woman] “Quick, my dearlings, it’s the ghost of your father, returned to wreak his horrors upon us once more!”

Page 2: Revenge [A picture of a ghost throttling a woman] “This, THIS, is my revenge, wife of mine, and mother of my children, for the crimes you committed against my heart.”

Page 3: Evisceration [A newspaper cutting. Black and white picture of a man, tophatted, scowling, next to a black and white picture of a man lying on the kitchen floor, his heart having been cut free from his chest, and his guts also having been sliced free.] Caption: “Barald Vaaaak, a heartless man, both pre- and post-evisceration“]

from: Toby, Children’s Editor
to: Ted, Children’s Predator


You KNOW I can’t accept unsolicited manuscripts. The amount of trouble I had to go to last time was intolerable – ‘A Billion Uses For Eggshell’ took almost fourteen trips to the dump to dispose of. Ideally the primary use for eggshell would have been “disposing of useless manuscripts for books nobody wants”, but perversely that would have rendered your magnum opus slightly useful, and thus increased my reluctance to destroy it. You can see the bind I’m in.

Please self-publish, and I promise to buy a copy. Just don’t expected me to read the damn thing.


P.S. You should get a post-code, they’re quite good.

from: Toby (continued)
to: Ted (continuing)

P.P.S. “Bind”, like a book gets bound. You see?

from: Ted Vaaak
to: Toby Vok

Dear Toby Vok,

Thank you for the prompt reply. I’m sorry the book did not interest you, nor fit in with your current publishing requirements. I shall take on board your criticisms and suggestions, which have been very helpful to me.

Thanks again.

Ted Vaak.

from: TOBY
to: (ted)


P.P.P.S. If you should continue with this book, be aware that you have already used up all three of the best words, and it will be hard to keep up the same level of quality. Before the end of the first chapter you will be using sub-par words like ‘Golf’ and ‘ERECTUS’


from: Ted Vaaak
to: Toby Vok

Dear Toby Vok And His Publishing Company,

Further to our most recent conversation, I have taken onboard the criticism and feedback provided to me, and have come up with a proposal that should satisfyi both your requirements and my desires. Therefore, could you please solicit a book from me, with a title of your choosing, so that I can submit to you in a form and to a standard that you will be legally obliged to read, and hopefully accept.


Ted Vaaaaaaaak

from: Toby
to: Ted

Hi Ted,

Toby here. I’ve been thinking about Dog Week recently and how maybe there could be a book that outlines all of the activities that take place during Dog Week, like ‘Big Dog Monday’, ‘Small Dog Tuesday’ and ‘Miscellaneous Dog Wednesday’ (Thursday and Friday, as usual, have been cancelled). I’ve never owned or seen a dog but that only adds to the mystique of Dog Week for me, which I suppose is why I’m so fascinated by Dog Week.

Could you please also confirm for me – when is Dog Week this year?

Kind Frowns,

from: Ted Vaaak
to: Toby


National Dog Week is observed the last full week of September (and anytime you like)!

Ted Vaaak

from: Ted Vaaaaaak
to: Toby

National Dog Week: A Guide

Page 1: There is a week, every year, that is devoted to dogs
Page 2: Dogs, and also wolves
Page 3: Day 1: Big Dog Monday
Page 4: Day 2: Small Dog Tuesday
Page 5: Day 3: Miscellaneous Dog Wednesday
Page 8: Day 6: Sports Day (for dogs)
Page 9-10: Day 7: Rest, Recuperation
Page 11: But what is a dog?
Page 12: And why?
Page 13-22: [Pictures of dogs]
Page 23-24: And that is why they, and their week, must be stopped.

from: Ted
to: Toby

Dear Toby,

That was my solicited submission. Illustration descriptions available on request (of course you may wish to provide your own illustrations, descriptions).


Ted Vaaaaaaak

Contact Details (revised)

Ted Vaak
Ted Vaak House
Ted Vaak Town
Essex (Ted Vaak County)
TE8 VA43

from: Ted
to: Toby

(TEB VAEL was the closest postcodal equivalent to my name that I could obtain. I begged the authorities to include some new numbers of my devising, so as better to approximate a D, an A, a K, but they refused to even admit me entrance to the offices)

from: Vok Boks
to: [author]

Dear []

Thank you for submitting your manuscript, National Dog Week: A Guide. Unfortunately we have decided not to pursue this to the next stage, for it is abominable.

We are a small publisher, and regrettably can only publish a few books each year. Therefore, they must be of a standard, which yours does not even begin to meet, for it is terrible in almost every way, and on a subject (Dogs!) that our readership are likely to have no interest in in any way.

We appreciate that a lot of time and effort goes into your submissions, but unfortunately we cannot write personal replies.

We wish you all the best in whatever future you are trapped in.


Vok Boks (Ltd)


Posted in Unseenable | Comments closed

several conversements: conversement #8: escape

Conversement #8:

from: Terald V. Ark
to: Toby Vok

Dear Toby

I have not yet escaped from bed, and yet it is almost midday. What would mother say, do you think?

Terald V. Ark

PS: My bed is approximately 78 metres by 54 metres in length, width. Fog hinders my view. At intervals of approximately 3 minutes 21 seconds a spectral force holds me still, then rotates me at disconcerting speed until I have lost all sense of direction, bearing and poise. My mobile phone battery is weakening. I may not have time to see your reply, even if the fog clears enough to permit (I am typing by voice, despite my misgivings concerning such a practice). Occasionally, I hear creakings, occasionallier still croakings, and once, just once, a kraken.

from: Toby
to: Terald


Have you tried humming gently? Last time I hummed gently my bed didn’t rotate at all, and there was no fog. Krakens lurked on the horizon, of course, but when do they not? I recommend somewhere in the range of 24 – 37 dB, pitched somewhere around THE FORBIDDEN NOTE.


from: Ter
to: To

To Be,

You know that the lipless cannot hum, nor the cheekless neither. Your mockery is an affront, you aft runt (I have seen you sail, and you can barely even reach the jib.

From Me

from: T
to: T

I had mistaken you for the other Ted Vaaak, with the lips.

I did not mean to besmirch your faceless dignity. Your insults have been recorded in my diary, and will not be forgotten.

from: Terald V. Ark
to: Toby Vok

He has four As, not three. I have two (one in Terald, one in Ark, none in V.)

I hope this has been helpful.


Posted in Unkrakked | Comments closed

several conversements: conversement #7: moons

Conversement #7

from: Ted
to: Toby

Dear Toby,

The other day I saw the moon, wedged in the narrow gap between two tall buildings (fire station practice tower; lavish victorian department store (abandoned)). What was it doing there I wonder?

Ted, Moon Ponderer

PS: When I glanced back later it was gone

from: Toby
to: Ted

Dear Ted,

That Was No Moon.


P.S. It was probably a jug-ra, or jug-rae.

from: Ted
to: Toby

Dear Toby,

Please show me the moon soon. You have told me so much about it, I fear that I have begun to suffer from moon delirium (symptoms: seeing the moon where the moon is not; mistaking other beasts for moons; weeping; occasional oversleep).


from: Toby
to: Ted

Dear Ted,


from: Ted
to: All


Posted in Unmooned | Comments closed

several conversements: conversement #6: cold

Conversement #6

from: Ted Vaaaaak
to: Toby Vok

Dear Toby,

My current, entirely experimental, refrigerator is made entirely from bone (various appendages), ear resin (harvested from beast and bee alike) and pipe (ancient, unleaking). Despite high performance levels (berries placed within and then pulled without are without doubt sweeter than air) the machine itself rattles along with precisely the same beat as that used in your undigestable song, The Unbearable Stench Of The Witch. What makes this especially remarkable is that The Unbearable Stench Of The Witch contains no percussion at all, except for an unexpected beeping without. Please may I have your thoughts on this strange phenomenenenen?


Ted Vaaak, Fridgeneer

from: Toby (Vok)
to: Ted (Vaaaak)

Dear Ted, or Ted,

Your story “resin”-ated with me. As somebody who uses bone as the main framework of my body, I am intrigued to learn that it could also carry coolant around my body and prevent these infernal sweats. The sweats, I am sure you will be undersurprised to learn, were the source of the idea for the concept behind my song, The Unbearable Stench of the Witch (the actual stench resonating from within my own self – as usual I am quick to blame witches for everything). As such, my thoughts are as follows: Put me in the fridge.


from: (Ted)
to: (Toby)

My Toby,

Do you measure (or at least not exceeed, in any particular dimension, or, otherwise, are contortable into) 32cm*12cm*43cm? Otherwise I fear you will exceed its capacity.

Your Ted

PS: Also you must not resonate on any frequency

from: VOK
to: VAAK

yes those are my dimensions

my perfect dimensions

as well you know, fridge-builder

from: TED
to: TOBY

Then in you must climb. You are to be its heart, to be its brain, to be its toby


Posted in Unheated | Comments closed

several conversements: conversement #5: proposal

Conversement #5

from: the email account of Ted Vaak
to: Toby Vok

Dear Respected One,


Permit me of desire allowable, in abundance, but not over abundance, such that we could, together, become as one. I got your contact from the international sound depository. I prayed and murmured and whistle through the pages until from the resonances emerged, by the grace of the god his mightiness, your name, address, electronic mailing ID code.

I have been granted three wishes. It has been explained to me, by the controlling entity behind the wishes, my father, deceased, that although I may ask the wish, I cannot originate, in form or in thought, the wish. That is why it is to you I come with this offer. Please be to you that provide for me questions, three, that I may speak. Then, we can share in our fortune.

Anticipating to hear from you in speed and haste and the time of our lord,
granted by all,
to us
and to them
in weather and in vacuum
sound but never silence
Miss T. Vaak

from: Toby Vok
to: whomever it may concern

TED you have been HACKED

My wishes are thus:
1. Please unhack TED’s internet account!
2. Please reset the password on his INTERNET BANKING
3. Please submit his new login details to ME, for SAFE-KEEPING

Fingers crossed for you Ted! See you in hell, ha-ha!

from: (Miss?) T. Vaak
to: Toby

Dear Exulted One,

By the goodest graciousness of our highest powers, the wishes, here, were granted.

1. It is done (results unviewable to you but rest on this assurance that it has been actioned successfully).
2. It is done (see previous note, for 1, which applies equally to . This shall save us time, and space.)
3. The new login in details are: 53829208737, password #1: mother1loveyou, password #2: butnotuf4ther. They have been placed in your infinite box, where they will be forever safely irretrievable.)

PS: If you would submit to my marriage proposal I can perhaps bring more of my wishes to your exciting Kingdom of Hull.

Miss T. V.


Posted in Ungrantable | Comments closed

several conversements: conversement #4: tersement

Conversement #4

from: Ted
to: Toby



from: Toby
to: Ted





Posted in Unloquacious | Comments closed